Depression and Anxiety are Caused by 2 Types of Emotional Pain
Our clients with depression and anxiety all have one thing in common – they want help dealing with some kind of emotional pain. Before we can help you deal with the pain, however, it's important to understand the difference between two very different types of pain that bring people into therapy.
Natural Emotional Pain
As humans, we are biologically wired to experience emotional pain in response to certain experiences or circumstances. This is not the same thing as depression and anxiety. Examples of natural emotional pain include things like:
feeling angry in response to being mistreated
feeling sad in response to a loss of some kind
feeling hurt in response to aggressive criticism
feeling some anxiety in high pressure situations
We often find that people come to therapy, at least in part, to deal with emotional pains like these - pain that is completely natural. Initially, our clients often think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re just having a normal, healthy response to a tough situation. When working with this type of emotional pain, we have some key goals:
Help you understand why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling
Break down negative self-criticism about feeling whatever you’re feeling, so you can move through it easier
Teach you about the function behind the feelings
Provide you with step-by-step tools for healthier coping strategies
These types of feelings often don’t qualify as having depression and anxiety in a clinical sense, and often don’t warrant a mental health diagnosis. They don’t even require “treatment” per se, just safe space with a supportive person, who can guide you through the feelings without shutting you down or trying to escape them.
In fact, it is our efforts to try and "stuff down" these types of feelings that most often contribute to the development of depression and anxiety conditions. This is a key point so be sure you read that twice. By stuffing down healthy emotional pain, we increase the likelihood of developing depression and anxiety conditions.
Past Experiences of Emotional Pain
Because humans are learning machines and we're wired for survival at all cost, most of us experience another type of emotional pain too - the kind that comes from past experiences. Science has shown that beginning even while still in utero, we are learning from our experiences. This learning process has a few key functions:
It helps us understand and make sense of the world.
It gives us a good idea of what to expect so life feels more predictable.
It gives us a sense of control (however false it may be) over being able to prevent pain and get our needs met.
Experiences that are emotionally painful are moments of intense learning for us. Our mind immediately goes into problem solving mode. How did this happen? Who's fault is it? What do I need to do to make sure this never happens again? This learning process leads us to transpose past painful experiences on to the present, often contributing to symptoms of depression and anxiety. For example:
I had some naturally painful experiences growing up;
My dad was a pretty irresponsible parent (feelings of anger and sadness would be a natural and healthy response here)
He also had problems with alcohol and didn’t manage his anger well. (fear would be a totally healthy response to this one)
During that learning process we mentioned, my brain decided these experiences were:
partially his fault because “men can’t be trusted” and
partially my fault because “if I could just do things perfectly, then he wouldn’t get upset”
My brain decided the best way to avoid any emotional pain moving forward was to:
avoid trusting men
never to make mistakes <--not possible
never upset others <--also not possible
In the present, my thoughts will tell me:
men are untrustworthy (even when they’re totally safe, good people)
every tiny mistake I make is going to lead to catastrophic consequences (even if it's minor)
it’s my fault, anytime someone is upset (even if it has nothing to do with me)
As you can imagine, living with these assumptions is likely to lead to symptoms of depression and anxiety over time.
This “extra” emotional pain is where cognitive behavioral therapy is most useful. In cognitive behavioral therapy, we take a step back and look at patterns like this, that have become automatic for our clients. In therapy, we're looking for these patterns of thinking, behaving, feeling, and coping that all happen automatically, because this is where both the pain and the possibility for change resides. If you really look at the example here, you'll notice how these attempts to avoid emotional pain actually cause more harm than good.
These past painful experiences don’t necessarily have to be a single traumatic event, because we learn from and are strongly affected by, repetitive everyday experiences. Maybe you had a parent who always criticized instead of complimenting. Maybe your family had no idea how to handle your feelings, so even healthy feelings got shoved down. Maybe you got yelled at or blamed for anything and everything. These “lessons” likely play a huge role in the symptoms of depression and anxiety or relationship difficulties you experience today.
Examples of patterns that result from past emotional pain:
Thinking people don't want you around even when no one has said or done anything that would suggest this
Feeling like you’re not good enough no matter what you achieve
Thinking you’re a failure any time you make a mistake or something doesn't work out
Feeling like you’re bad because no one else seems to struggle with the same thoughts and feelings you do
Feeling like you don’t deserve to feel what you’re feeling because others have it worse than you do
Obsessing about the future and what could possibly go wrong
So whether you've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety or you just suspect you've got a lot of "stuff" from the past you've never dealt with - either way, we're here.
We can help.
If you or someone you love is struggling with depression and anxiety, or the effects of trauma, please reach out. We offer Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in Orlando and online throughout the state of Florida. Call today or send us your info and we’ll reach out for a free consultation to see if one of our CBT Therapists would be a good fit.
