What Are Healthy Boundaries
TRY BOUNDARIES TODAY!
Disclaimer: Possible benefits include increased self-esteem, improved communication, less resentments, and greater overall fulfillment in your life and relationships. Possible side effects include loss of toxic relationships, confusion or frustration from loved ones, and possible loss of your status as the people pleaser, problem solver, caretaker to those who’ve benefited from your lack of boundaries
Responsibilities
The following is a list of examples of personal boundaries around responsibility. These boundaries help us to know whose “job” it is to do something or who should take responsibility for something.
For example, whose job is it to make sure your needs are met? Mine. It’s my job and nobody is going to do it for me (unless in this example I am a child, in which case, it’s someone else’s job obviously).
Whose responsibility is it to make sure you express yourself in a way that doesn’t physically harm me? Yours. That’s all you.
These boundaries are often the ones that are confusing if you grew up in a house where you were expected to do more than your fair share. For example, you may have been expected to anticipate the needs of others instead of them being responsible for expressing those needs. Perhaps you were expected to mind read instead of others taking responsibility for communicating. Or better yet, maybe you were called on to “fix it” when others messed up, saving them from the consequences of their own actions.
Check out some of these boundaries and consider which ones are most difficult for you.
Responsibility Boundaries
It is not my job to “fix” others or manage the problems they create for themselves.
Others are not responsible for “fixing” me or managing the problems I create for myself.
It is my job to say no to that which does not work for me and others are responsible for respecting my right to do so.
Others are responsible for saying no to that which does not work for them and I am responsible for respecting their right to do so.
It is not my job to anticipate the needs of the others.
Others are not responsible for anticipating my needs.
It is my job to ensure my needs are met and my emotions are tended to.
Others are responsible for ensuring their needs are met and their emotions are tended to.
It is my job to use my voice to express that which I hope others will understand about me, my needs, and my feelings.
Others are responsible for using their voice to express that which they wish me to understand about them, their needs, and their feelings.
It is my job to take action to make things right in situations where my behavior has gone against my values.
Others are responsible for taking action to make things right in situations where their behavior has gone against their values.
It is my responsibility to evaluate the beliefs I have been given by my family, my culture, and my religion and to decide for myself those which work for me.
Others are responsible for evaluating their beliefs which they have learned from their family, culture, and religion, and deciding for themselves those which work for them.
It is my responsibility to ensure I do not physically harm others.
Others are responsible for ensuring they do not physically harm me.
Emotional Boundaries
The following is a list of examples of emotional boundaries. These are the rights and responsibilities we have around our feelings. These boundaries are often broken if you grew up in a family where you received certain messages about which emotions were good and which ones were unacceptable. (If you didn’t grow up in a house like that, please tell us what planet you’re from! I’d love to go there!) Boundaries around feelings are often broken down when others shame us, criticize us, or punish us for having or expressing certain emotions. For example, women are often taught that anger is unacceptable and that “good girls don’t get angry.” Unfortunately, this breaks down a woman’s right to access this emotion, leaving her feeling unable to access the only feeling that will help her to stand up for herself, protect herself from harm, and express her needs. Check out the following and consider which message you received growing up about your emotions. Which emotional boundaries are missing for you?
My feelings are not MORE or LESS valid than anyone else’s.
Others’ feelings are not MORE or LESS valid than mine.It is okay for me to feel angry.
It is okay for others to feel angry.
It is okay for me to feel sad.It is okay for others to feel sad.It is okay for me to feel pride.
It is okay for others to feel pride.It is okay for me to feel ANY emotion.It is okay for others to feel ANY emotion.
It is NOT okay for me to inflict emotional pain on others for the sheer sake of causing them pain.
It is NOT okay for others to inflict emotional pain on me for the sheer sake of causing me pain.
It IS okay if I experience emotional pain in response to others respecting their own personal boundaries.
It IS okay if others experience emotional pain in response to me respecting my own personal boundaries.
Only I can determine when an emotion has passed for me.
Only others can determine for themselves when an emotion has passed for them.
It is not my job to protect others from emotional pain.
Others are not responsible for protecting me from emotional pain.
It is not my job to determine what someone else is feeling or what they need.
Others are not responsible for determining what I’m feeling and what I need.
My emotions are never harmful to others, but it is my responsibility to ensure the actions that result from those emotions do not violate the rights of others.
Others emotions are not harmful to me, but they are responsible for ensuring the actions which result from those emotions do not violate my rights.
It is not my job to decode the needs or emotions of others when they have not verbally communicated these to me.
Others are not responsible for decoding my needs or emotions when I have not verbally communicated these to them.
Boundaries for Opinions, Choices, and Thoughts
Boundaries of judgment are the rights and responsibilities you have around thoughts and opinions. The following is a list of examples of judgment boundaries or “thinking boundaries.” These boundaries are often broken down by messages you receive about your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. Thinking boundaries disintegrate when others shame us, criticize us, or punish us for having or expressing certain opinions. For example, if you were called names such as stupid or an idiot for expressing opinions, you’ll start to doubt these boundaries. When these types of boundaries break down, we are often left doubting ourselves, doubting whether our thoughts and opinions are valid, and whether we can trust our own thinking. Without these types of boundaries, we often feel compelled to take on the opinions of others as if they are our own. Check out the following and consider what messages you got about your right to your own opinions. Do you have trouble trusting your own thoughts?
My thoughts or opinions are not MORE or LESS valid than others.
Others thoughts or opinions are not MORE or LESS valid than mine.
It is NOT my job to judge what I believe to be someone else’s intentions.
Others do NOT have the right to judge what they believe to be my intentions.
I am entitled to formulate my own opinion on any matter based on the information available to me.
Others are entitled to formulate their own opinion on any matter based on the information available to them.
It is NOT my job to decide what is the CORRECT opinion on any situation.
It is NOT others’ responsibility to judge what they believe to be the CORRECT opinion on any situation.
I am entitled to an opinion which DIFFERS from those around me.
Others are entitled to opinions that DIFFERS from what I would believe.
It is NOT my job to determine the CORRECT emotional response to any situation and I am entitled to emotional responses that DIFFER from how others would feel.
It is NOT others’ job to determine the CORRECT emotional response to any situation and others are entitled to emotional responses that DIFFER from how I would feel.
I have a right to reserve my judgment if I am feeling uncertain or determine I don’t have enough information yet.
Others have a right to reserve their judgment if they are feeling uncertain or determine they don’t have enough information yet.
I am entitled to determine for myself when I have made a mistake - it is not other’s job to decide for me.
Others are entitled to determine for themselves when they have made a mistake - it is not my job to decide for them.
I am entitled to my own perceptions of events, people, or ideas even if my perceptions differ from others’.
Others are entitled to their own perceptions of events, people, or ideas even if their perceptions differ from my own.
I am entitled to decide for myself that which is acceptable or unacceptable about others TO ME, but it is not my place to define this on behalf of others.
Others are entitled to decide for themselves that which is acceptable or unacceptable about me TO THEM, but it is not their place to define this on behalf of others.
Boundaries for Basic Rights
And finally we have a list of basic human rights. These are rights we are all entitled to – some of which you may not be aware of. As you read through each of these lists of different types of boundaries, be sure to consider the boundaries and rights of others. Do you struggle to respect other people’s rights and boundaries? Which ones?
I have the right to take action to meet my needs.
Others have the right to take action to meet their needs.
I have the right to be the judge of what works for ME.
Others have the right to be the judge of what works for THEM.
It is okay to NOT offer a defense or apology for things I do not choose for myself.
Others have the right NOT to offer any defense or apology for things they do not choose for themselves.
It is my right to decide if my actions are consistent with my own values and to decide whether I have cause to feel guilty.
Others have the right to decide for themselves if their actions are consistent with their own moral values and to decide whether they have cause to feel guilty.
It is my right to take up space in this world, to have needs and to meet them, to have feelings and to attend to them, and to use my own judgments to guide me.
Others have the right to take up space in this world, to have needs and to meet them, to have feelings and to attend to them, and to use their own judgments to guide them.
I have the right to make mistakes and to learn from my own actions as I see fit.
Others have the right to make mistakes and to learn from their own actions as they see fit.
I have a right to say “I don’t know.”
Others have a right to say “I don’t know.”
I have the right to change my mind.
Others have the right to change their minds.
I have the right to believe, say, feel, do, or be things that others do not agree with.
Others have the right to believe, say, feel, do, or be things that I do not agree with.
I have the right to determine my own priorities and values.
Others have the right to determine their own priorities and values.
I have the right to privacy of my thoughts, feelings, or experiences that I do not wish to share with others.
Others have the right to privacy of their thoughts, feelings, or experiences that they do not wish to share with me.
I have the right to protect myself or remove myself from situations.
Others have the right to protect themselves or remove themselves from situations.
We can help.
If you or someone you love is struggling with boundaries, please reach out. We offer CBT Therapy in Orlando and online throughout the state of Florida. Call today or send us your info and we’ll reach out for a free consultation to see if one of our therapists would be a good fit.
