Setting Better Boundaries with Your Phone
A growing number of people are starting to recognize the impact our phones are having on our mental health and relationships, and not necessarily for the better. Yes, we have access to virtual therapy and many other modern conveniences, but we’re paying a heavy price for it. Think about it…
We’re at the mercy of round-the-clock emails and text messages from work, making it feel like we never really get to clock out. The 40-hour work week is a joke for most people.
We get sucked into hours (literally) of scrolling through social media - offering a fake sense of connection that’s about as satisfying as a paper cheeseburger.
We are bombarded with images of skinny, tan people, who never age, apparently travel to their hearts’ content, only eat beautiful food, and only have close loving relationships with their many beautiful friends and family, in their perfectly decorated and organized home… All of which we get to compare our lives, our relationships, and our bodies to (always coming up short). This fun gets compounded by our news feeds filling up with targeted ads telling us about the latest fix for weight loss, infertility, hair loss or any other topic you’ve recently brought up when talking to someone or googling something.
We are pulled away from actual life hundreds of times a day by a tempting little ding as notifications pop up, begging to be checked. Even if it turns out to be a weather notice, you know you unlock your screen anyway and start scrolling because why not, it’s already in your hand right? Hell your thumb opens TikTok without even asking your permission (even if you moved it to the third page so it would be “harder” to get to).
Our conversations and actual face-to-face time with real humans is littered with feelings of disconnection and rejection as your friend, partner, family member, or coworker gets sucked into their phone and out of the room, leaving you there alone, feeling like you’re talking to a wall. Of course, at that point you probably pick up your own phone and check out too because why not?
Every moment of any type of discomfort, whether it’s boredom, anxiety, frustration, sadness, you name it - can be escaped (temporarily) with the simple flick of the thumb, leaving us more and more disconnected from ourselves and less able to regulate our emotions, our bodies, and our minds. This is a particularly concerning part for me as a therapist, obviously.
I felt and noticed ALL of these things about my relationship with my phone for YEARS before really stopping to acknowledge them and do anything about it. I suspected my phone was playing a role in making me feel shitty before I even got out of bed in the morning. I knew it was probably not helping my sleep to be scrolling for an hour or more before trying to go to sleep every night. I knew it made me sad when I looked around a restaurant and saw more people scrolling than talking to each other. But it wasn’t until I watched “The Social Dilemma,” a documentary on Netflix about social media, that I really stopped and thought about what a toxic relationship I’d fallen into with my phone. I decided it was time for an overhaul and noticed drastic results.
If you feel like you’ve been falling into unhealthy patterns with your phone, particularly if you’re using it to check out or distract yourself from uncomfortable feelings, we can help. We offer cognitive behavioral therapy, cbt virtual therapy in Florida, and therapy in Orlando. Our therapists in Orlando can help you learn to set healthier boundaries starting with your phone and moving into other relationships you have with real people in your life. Call today or request a free consultation to get started.
Like all unhealthy relationships though, the answer isn’t necessarily to run the other way as fast as you can. A phone brings lots of wonderful modern conveniences like curbside groceries, order ahead Starbucks, and being able to take pictures and videos galore. I, for one, believe the answer here is not a breakup, but a renegotiation of better boundaries in your relationship with this handy little device.
Here are some tips to get you started:
Go through your phone and delete all the apps you don’t use on a regular basis. These unused apps are still dinging notifications that suck you into your phone. Deleting them can help reduce the number of times you feel pulled to pick your phone up each day.
Of the apps that are left, decide on only 3 (okay maybe 5) that you’re going to leave notifications on for. These should be things that are urgently necessary in order for your life to function. For example, I left on notifications for my text messages, my messaging app I use for clients, my phone calls, and emails for only certain email accounts.
For the rest of them, TURN OFF the notifications. (Gasp) I know, this seems kinda terrifying. What if you miss out on a notification that your friend’s brother’s girlfriend posted a new video about her cat… You’re right, that would be tragic. You might not see it til tomorrow, or even worse, maybe ever. If this feels like too bold of a move to start with, then start by at least turning off the sounds and lock screen notifications for all but those 5 super important apps. The rest will still pop up with badges so you’ll see them if you’re already on your phone, but they won’t grab your attention and pull you into unlocking your phone when you’re doing other things like living your life.
Decide on a “parking spot” for your phone - somewhere you can park it when you’re not using it instead of setting it down next to you or putting it in your pocket. Think “out of sight, out of mind.” If it lives somewhere out of reach and out of sight AND notifications aren’t dinging all day luring you to unlock it, then you might actually get some time to live your life hands free. The less convenient it is for you to reach over and unlock it, the less often you’ll unlock it.
Check out your screen time. I know, this one is scary. Take a look at how much actual time you’re spending in virtual space. How many hours a day are you scrolling through TikTok or Facebook? Open up the settings on your phone and you’ll find an option called screen time that monitors how much time you spend on your phone each day, including how much time you’re spending on each app and how many times you picked up your phone.
If you’ve already done some of these, you’ve likely noticed your relationship with your phone is getting healthier by the day. Here’s some advanced level tips to ramp it up a notch in the healthy boundaries department.
For occasions where the point it to connect with REAL HUMAN (gasp) IN PERSON (double gasp), consider leaving your phone in the car. If you need to be reachable for emergencies (hello fellow parents) consider putting your phone somewhere out of reach, but not out of earshot in case your ringer goes off. That way, you’re still reachable for emergencies, but you won’t be randomly scrolling instead of spending time with the actual people around you.
Remove social media apps from your phone. You don’t have to delete your accounts, but you can switch to using desktop only versions and seriously cut down on some phone time. This includes TikTok, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, LinkedIn, etc. I took this one a step further and deactivated my accounts for a full 2 years. Fun things I learned:
When people were curious about what was going on in my life, they’d actually text me or call me instead of scrolling through my page to see what I’d been up to lately.
I still got invited to things because people would make a point to reach out over text to be sure I knew something was going on and my presence was requested.
It’s kind of incredible what happens to your life when you get back several hours a day to do whatever you want with.
Put your phone charger out in the main living area and charge your phone out there at night. You wouldn’t leave the nightly news playing on a loop all night long disturbing your sleep, spare yourself the same effects from your phone by taking some time off at bedtime. It’ll be right there in the morning. You’re probably thinking, “but I can’t do that, it’s my alarm clock” to which I say “Ask Alexa to wake you up with your favorite music or just order a $9 alarm clock on Amazon and voila, no more night scrolling.”
In the morning, take care of yourself BEFORE you check your phone. This means going through your morning routine before you even unlock it for the first time. Wild thought, I know. Just try it. Get up, shower, make your coffee, eat your bagel, whatever you do in the morning to get your day going. Experiment with doing it before even unlocking your phone and notice how your mood changes when you go for your phone.
We can help.
If you or someone you love is struggling with boundaries, please reach out. We offer CBT Therapy in Orlando and online throughout the state of Florida. Call today or send us your info and we’ll reach out for a free consultation to see if one of our therapists would be a good fit.
